So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize