I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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