I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's rum buckets o'clock
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
