About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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