im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
