i think my mom watched the whole time
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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