So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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