Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He shit in the fireplace
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
