I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
