meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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