new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
