i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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