A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You are a genius and a whore.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
