Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
