So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
