I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
