But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
