Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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