So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
