Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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