it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
