Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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