benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
