do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
