I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
