Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize