I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
