It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
