She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
