If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
