i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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