I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
