I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
