i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
