This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
