I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
