Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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