sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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