my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
