I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize