I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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