There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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