I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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