There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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