omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
no you cant smoke seaweed
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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