I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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