my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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