Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
