he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
