He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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