yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
