I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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