I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
